Post by Redrapper on Sept 13, 2006 4:59:31 GMT -5
(Spotlight on Max and Tina)
MAX AND TINA. Relationship Scenes SUCK!
(Lights go up behind them, on Young Max[referred to as YM] and Young Tina[referred to as YT])
YM. Hi, my name is Max.
YT. Tina.
YM. Nice to meet you Tina!
YT. Nice to meet you Max!
TINA. BS. All men are chauvinist pigs. When they say “Nice to meet you”, they mean, “How would you look on my couch?”
MAX. All women are vindictive. When they say “Nice to meet you” they mean “BUY ME THINGS!!”
TINA. Everything seems so concrete in a relationship scene.
MAX. Everything so defined.
TINA. Man meets woman-
MAX. Woman meets man-
TINA. (Mockingly) And they fall in love!
MAX. (Mockingly) And live happily ever after!
MAX AND TINA. THE END!... BULLSHIT!
MAX. Untrue
TINA. Out of order.
MAX. Out of place.
TINA. Out of context.
MAX. Pure-
TINA. Unadulterated-
MAX AND TINA. Suck.
YM. I’ve never met someone like you before.
TINA. (MOCKINGLY) You’ve never met someone like ANYONE before. God, you use that line on nearly everyone, so apparently, according to you, EVERY women you have EVER met is NOTHING like you’ve ever witnessed! Oh My God! It’s so amazing! What a load of-
YT. Thanks…
TINA. Oh please.
YT. You’re a nice guy Max…
MAX. He’s a nice guy! Oh My God! He’s so Nice! As opposed to when he won’t go with you to the mall, then he’s a lying-cheating-sniveling Bastard! Because you don’t have access to his wallet, nor his free time-
YM. I appreciate that-
MAX. You shouldn’t.
MAX AND TINA. Moving on.
MAX. In Every scene-
TINA. Every moment-
MAX. Everything turns out the same…
TINA. They fall in love throughout all odds,
MAX. Occasionally there’s an obstacle or something.
TINA. But no matter what, the outcome is always the same damn thing.
YM. I love you. I know it’s crazy… I mean, I only met you a week ago-
MAX. Actually two minutes ago in scene terms-
TINA. Which obviously tells you his motives.
MAX. What’s that supposed to mean?
YM. And, I never met anyone like-
TINA. (Finishing his sentence) You before! You already said this before, and we clarified you’re full of it, move on.
YM. And, no matter what-
TINA. Oh “Matter what”… trust me “Matter what”…
YM. I want to be with you, for as long as I possibly can. It seems stupid and all that but… I don’t know what other way to say it.
TINA. What you have just witnessed is the long confession monologue that every male in every relationship scene has… I know what you’re thinking… and yes, it’s a bunch of crap.
YT. Max, I consider you a friend-
MAX. Now you’re just being a bitch… fast forward.
YT. I was wrong to consider you a friend-
MAX. Jesus, it’s like, you were… I don’t know… Wrong… or something? Oh My God, is that possible? Is it really possible you were actually WRONG?! FOR ONCE?!
YT. (Indecisive) I love you, and… I hate you…
MAX. But you just said you loved him… you hate him now?
YT. And… I love you-
MAX. Make up your mind already damn it, it’s hard keeping up with all this crap.
YT. And… I… I want to be with you.
YM. TINA!
YT. MAX!
(YM and YT hug each other… and the lights go down on their part of the stage…)
MAX. (Overacting) Oh my God…
TINA. *sniff**sniff* It’s so… Beautiful…
(A hand on each side of the stage hand’s MAX and TINA a box of tissues… And they fake cry into each one… acting like they’ve been “touched” by the scene… Then they look up, smugly at the audience.)
MAX AND TINA. NOT!
(They throw away their tissues)
TINA. They never show you what happens after do they?
MAX. What actually happens WHILE they’re together-
TINA. Either the beginning or the end…
MAX. Why not show what happens IN the relationship.
TINA. Like this.
(Lights back up on YM and YT.)
YT. Honey I think we should do this-
(YM Slaps YT.)
YM. Women have no opinion fool!
TINA. See.
MAX. Wait, what the hell is that?
TINA. Uh, the Truth?
MAX. No, no, no… THIS is the truth.
YT. Honey I think we should go with this!
YM. (Super nice) Well, Honey, I think it’s just-
YT. YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!
YM. No honey, I didn’t mean-
YT. You hate me! I see the way you look at other women!
YM. What? Wait, where did that-
(YT Cries uproariously)
TINA. Oh please.
MAX. That’s all you say: “You never do this, you never do that!” and that “Look at other women” crap.
TINA. Well that’s all men do! Look at women’s chests!
MAX. That’s a nice shirt by the way.
TINA. Thanks, I bought it last…(realizing) HEY!
YM. Honey-
YT.(Like she’s actually saying something, but speaking only in the word “Complain”) Complain Complain Complain Complain Complain!
MAX. See! Yadda yadda yadda!
TINA. More like-
YT. Honey, I was only trying to help!
YM. You can’t help! You’re of an inferior sex!
YT. Honey don’t say that, I mean, our nations ideals are equality-
YM. SCREW OUR NATION!
YT. Honey! How could you say that?! Is it because you hate freedom?
YM. Maybe I do Tina… Maybe I do.
MAX. I never said that!
TINA. You were still a pig Max!
MAX. Really Tina? Well what about this?
YM. Look Tina, all I’m saying-
YT. Is bad things! You don’t love me like Jason did!
TINA. Who the hell is Jason?
MAX. You tell me Tina… You tell me…
TINA. You’re completely full of crap! This is why we broke up?
MAX. You mean Jason?
TINA. I don’t even know a Jason!
MAX. Well what about Max!
TINA. That’s you Nitwit!
MAX. (Realizing) Oh yeah… Well still… Look at this-
YM. Honey can you wash the dishes!
YT. I’M NOT YOU’RE SLAVE! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
TINA. NOT TRUE! THIS IS-
YT. Honey! I made pie for dessert!
YM. WOMAN! I DETEST PIE!
(YM Cracks whip!)
YT. Oh no honey! Not the whip!
MAX. That never happened, but this did-
YM. Honey I brought you flowers! Oh My God!
YT. Honey, I’ve been cheating on you!
YM. With who? CHUCK NORRIS?! OH MY GOD!
TINA. I don’t even know Chuck Norris, and I never cheated on you. But you did this to me-
YT. HONEY! I BROUGHT HOME A PUPPY!
YM. (Clicking a shotgun) Only to DIE!(Changing to a nicer tone.) Because it has rabies, and we need to put it out of it’s misery…
YT. NO! LET IT SUFFER TILL IT’S LAST BREATH!
TINA. ASS!
MAX. CONTRIVANCE!
TINA. BASTARD!
MAX. BITCH!
YT. YOU NEVER LOOK AT ME ANYMORE!
YM. No, it’s not like that honey… but you must DIE!
YT. No, don’t kill me, and other people, killing people isn’t good!
YM. Hitler killed people!
YT. *Gasp* You support Hitler?
TINA. I HATE YOU!
MAX. No Lady, I HATE YOU!
TINA. PISS OFF!
MAX. KISS MY-
YM. OK STOP!
YT. Seriously, what the hell?
YM. Half of what just happened didn’t even make sense!
YT. Max never killed a puppy, hated freedom, or…(weirded out) supported Hitler-
MAX. See!
YM. And Tina never once cheated on you with Chuck Norris, nagged at you obsessively, well as you described it, or any of that crap!
TINA. A-HAH!
YM and YT. You’re both wrong!
MAX AND TINA. AH-…wait, what?
YM. You people don’t know a thing.
MAX. Excuse me?
YT. All you do is complain about the past, and about each others faults-
YM. You don’t even recognize what you guys did wrong!
YT. Relationships work on compromise!
YM. Not saying someone hates freedom-
YT. Or accusing someone of dating Vin Diesal.
YM. It was Chuck Norris-
YT. Same thing- what were trying to say is-
TINA. Oh butt out!
YM. Don’t tell her to butt out!
MAX. What do you know?!
YT. Hey!
TINA. The fact still remains-
MAX. We don’t work!
MAX AND TINA. Because of them!
(MAX and TINA point at each other.)
YM. Why not focus on the good parts of your relationship instead of the bad damn it!
YT. Seriously! Then you’d stay together!
MAX. Doesn’t matter, we don’t have a future!
TINA. Things end up crappy because of him!
MAX. More like her!
YM. Really?
YT. You think you have no future?
MAX. Of course!
YM. Well we disagree!
TINA. Well Mr. Physical Manifestation, since you have the ability to act out any part of our relationship, act out our future and see how screwed up it is!
YM.(Smiling) That’s not such a bad idea.
YT. Almost like a Deus ex Machina…
MAX AND TINA. Relationship Scenes suck!
YM. *Sigh* Alright God damn it, we’ll do it!
YT. Let’s go!
(Lights go down on YT and YM’s part of the stage.)
MAX. Oh, this ought to be interesting.
TINA. Hilarious maybe.
MAX. Oh I can’t wait.
(The lights go back up on the stage, and YT is sitting in a chair… waiting…)
TINA.(sarcasm) Oh this is a perfect example of why we should stick together, I end up alone in a house sitting in a chair dressed in black.
MAX. You’re dressed in black because it’s Black boxed, idiot.
TINA. Oh yeah-(realizing) Shut up!
(Small pause)
MAX. Is this it? Just sitting around doing nothing? Alone?
(We hear a knock)
TINA. Somebody knocked apparently.
(Enter YM with a grocery bag.)
YT. Where were you?
TINA. Probably out looking at women’s chests-
MAX. By the way nice-
TINA. Stop looking at my shirt!
YM. Sorry, I ran a bit late…
TINA. A likely story…
YM. Long line back at the grocery store.
(YM takes out a carton of milk.)
YT. Well, he’s already asleep.
MAX. Who?
(We hear a baby crying, and YT and YM walk over to a crib, and YT picks up a small baby… MAX and TINA sort of stare at the scene in awe… and they sort of feel somewhat shy and embarrassed.)
YT. Shhh… it’s okay.
YM. Did he say anything today?
YT. Nope. I’m just afraid he’ll pick up the chest stare habit some of us in this room have.
YM. I gave up the chest along time ago… now I work on the eyes.
YT. Of how many girls you work with?
YM. Just you… don’t worry. I’m too ugly to have a shot with anyone else.
(YT chuckles a bit.)
YT. You know, in a few years, he’ll grow older… and then it’ll be harder on us and… maybe we won’t be like this anymore. Maybe we’ll be fighting over this and that and-
TINA. (disappointed) I knew that was a little too good to be-
YM. We wont.
TINA. What?
YT. Huh?
YM. We won’t.
YT. You say that now, but, how do you know?
YM.(Smiles) I trust you.
(YM, and YT hug with the baby in YT’s arms… and YM and YT kneel their heads against each other.)
YT. I trust you too Max… I do.
(Lights go down on YT and YM. TINA and MAX sort of stand, looking awed at what just took place before them. An actual good future. MAX and TINA just awkwardly look at each other… off and on… while they sort of think about what they just saw… and look around. It’s that sort of tense awkward thing, where you can’t talk to one another.)
MAX. That uh… That really is a nice shirt… Not the chest, well, your chest is… Nice shirt!
TINA. Thanks… I uh… got it on sale…
MAX. It looks nice… you look nice I mean…
(MAX and TINA look at each other and MAX walks forward a bit… and they both drift towards each other… and then both walk apart.)
TINA. No, Max…
MAX. Look what if we…
TINA. Well…
MAX. …we can’t…
TINA. But that was good… that actually worked… maybe we…
MAX. Maybe…
(MAX and TINA move towards each other… but step back away.)
MAX. We can’t…
TINA. No!...
MAX. But…
TINA. We…
MAX AND TINA. Relationship scenes Suck!
(Lights back up on YM and YT.)
YM AND YT. But relationships don’t.
(MAX and TINA Turn towards each other. And hug each other.)
MAX. I’m Max.
TINA. Tina.
MAX. I’ll skip the monologue.
TINA. Just stay with me.
(YT and YM start clapping and the lights go off, with the spotlight on MAX and TINA for a few moments.)
(BLACKOUT.)
MAX AND TINA. Relationship Scenes SUCK!
(Lights go up behind them, on Young Max[referred to as YM] and Young Tina[referred to as YT])
YM. Hi, my name is Max.
YT. Tina.
YM. Nice to meet you Tina!
YT. Nice to meet you Max!
TINA. BS. All men are chauvinist pigs. When they say “Nice to meet you”, they mean, “How would you look on my couch?”
MAX. All women are vindictive. When they say “Nice to meet you” they mean “BUY ME THINGS!!”
TINA. Everything seems so concrete in a relationship scene.
MAX. Everything so defined.
TINA. Man meets woman-
MAX. Woman meets man-
TINA. (Mockingly) And they fall in love!
MAX. (Mockingly) And live happily ever after!
MAX AND TINA. THE END!... BULLSHIT!
MAX. Untrue
TINA. Out of order.
MAX. Out of place.
TINA. Out of context.
MAX. Pure-
TINA. Unadulterated-
MAX AND TINA. Suck.
YM. I’ve never met someone like you before.
TINA. (MOCKINGLY) You’ve never met someone like ANYONE before. God, you use that line on nearly everyone, so apparently, according to you, EVERY women you have EVER met is NOTHING like you’ve ever witnessed! Oh My God! It’s so amazing! What a load of-
YT. Thanks…
TINA. Oh please.
YT. You’re a nice guy Max…
MAX. He’s a nice guy! Oh My God! He’s so Nice! As opposed to when he won’t go with you to the mall, then he’s a lying-cheating-sniveling Bastard! Because you don’t have access to his wallet, nor his free time-
YM. I appreciate that-
MAX. You shouldn’t.
MAX AND TINA. Moving on.
MAX. In Every scene-
TINA. Every moment-
MAX. Everything turns out the same…
TINA. They fall in love throughout all odds,
MAX. Occasionally there’s an obstacle or something.
TINA. But no matter what, the outcome is always the same damn thing.
YM. I love you. I know it’s crazy… I mean, I only met you a week ago-
MAX. Actually two minutes ago in scene terms-
TINA. Which obviously tells you his motives.
MAX. What’s that supposed to mean?
YM. And, I never met anyone like-
TINA. (Finishing his sentence) You before! You already said this before, and we clarified you’re full of it, move on.
YM. And, no matter what-
TINA. Oh “Matter what”… trust me “Matter what”…
YM. I want to be with you, for as long as I possibly can. It seems stupid and all that but… I don’t know what other way to say it.
TINA. What you have just witnessed is the long confession monologue that every male in every relationship scene has… I know what you’re thinking… and yes, it’s a bunch of crap.
YT. Max, I consider you a friend-
MAX. Now you’re just being a bitch… fast forward.
YT. I was wrong to consider you a friend-
MAX. Jesus, it’s like, you were… I don’t know… Wrong… or something? Oh My God, is that possible? Is it really possible you were actually WRONG?! FOR ONCE?!
YT. (Indecisive) I love you, and… I hate you…
MAX. But you just said you loved him… you hate him now?
YT. And… I love you-
MAX. Make up your mind already damn it, it’s hard keeping up with all this crap.
YT. And… I… I want to be with you.
YM. TINA!
YT. MAX!
(YM and YT hug each other… and the lights go down on their part of the stage…)
MAX. (Overacting) Oh my God…
TINA. *sniff**sniff* It’s so… Beautiful…
(A hand on each side of the stage hand’s MAX and TINA a box of tissues… And they fake cry into each one… acting like they’ve been “touched” by the scene… Then they look up, smugly at the audience.)
MAX AND TINA. NOT!
(They throw away their tissues)
TINA. They never show you what happens after do they?
MAX. What actually happens WHILE they’re together-
TINA. Either the beginning or the end…
MAX. Why not show what happens IN the relationship.
TINA. Like this.
(Lights back up on YM and YT.)
YT. Honey I think we should do this-
(YM Slaps YT.)
YM. Women have no opinion fool!
TINA. See.
MAX. Wait, what the hell is that?
TINA. Uh, the Truth?
MAX. No, no, no… THIS is the truth.
YT. Honey I think we should go with this!
YM. (Super nice) Well, Honey, I think it’s just-
YT. YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!
YM. No honey, I didn’t mean-
YT. You hate me! I see the way you look at other women!
YM. What? Wait, where did that-
(YT Cries uproariously)
TINA. Oh please.
MAX. That’s all you say: “You never do this, you never do that!” and that “Look at other women” crap.
TINA. Well that’s all men do! Look at women’s chests!
MAX. That’s a nice shirt by the way.
TINA. Thanks, I bought it last…(realizing) HEY!
YM. Honey-
YT.(Like she’s actually saying something, but speaking only in the word “Complain”) Complain Complain Complain Complain Complain!
MAX. See! Yadda yadda yadda!
TINA. More like-
YT. Honey, I was only trying to help!
YM. You can’t help! You’re of an inferior sex!
YT. Honey don’t say that, I mean, our nations ideals are equality-
YM. SCREW OUR NATION!
YT. Honey! How could you say that?! Is it because you hate freedom?
YM. Maybe I do Tina… Maybe I do.
MAX. I never said that!
TINA. You were still a pig Max!
MAX. Really Tina? Well what about this?
YM. Look Tina, all I’m saying-
YT. Is bad things! You don’t love me like Jason did!
TINA. Who the hell is Jason?
MAX. You tell me Tina… You tell me…
TINA. You’re completely full of crap! This is why we broke up?
MAX. You mean Jason?
TINA. I don’t even know a Jason!
MAX. Well what about Max!
TINA. That’s you Nitwit!
MAX. (Realizing) Oh yeah… Well still… Look at this-
YM. Honey can you wash the dishes!
YT. I’M NOT YOU’RE SLAVE! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
TINA. NOT TRUE! THIS IS-
YT. Honey! I made pie for dessert!
YM. WOMAN! I DETEST PIE!
(YM Cracks whip!)
YT. Oh no honey! Not the whip!
MAX. That never happened, but this did-
YM. Honey I brought you flowers! Oh My God!
YT. Honey, I’ve been cheating on you!
YM. With who? CHUCK NORRIS?! OH MY GOD!
TINA. I don’t even know Chuck Norris, and I never cheated on you. But you did this to me-
YT. HONEY! I BROUGHT HOME A PUPPY!
YM. (Clicking a shotgun) Only to DIE!(Changing to a nicer tone.) Because it has rabies, and we need to put it out of it’s misery…
YT. NO! LET IT SUFFER TILL IT’S LAST BREATH!
TINA. ASS!
MAX. CONTRIVANCE!
TINA. BASTARD!
MAX. BITCH!
YT. YOU NEVER LOOK AT ME ANYMORE!
YM. No, it’s not like that honey… but you must DIE!
YT. No, don’t kill me, and other people, killing people isn’t good!
YM. Hitler killed people!
YT. *Gasp* You support Hitler?
TINA. I HATE YOU!
MAX. No Lady, I HATE YOU!
TINA. PISS OFF!
MAX. KISS MY-
YM. OK STOP!
YT. Seriously, what the hell?
YM. Half of what just happened didn’t even make sense!
YT. Max never killed a puppy, hated freedom, or…(weirded out) supported Hitler-
MAX. See!
YM. And Tina never once cheated on you with Chuck Norris, nagged at you obsessively, well as you described it, or any of that crap!
TINA. A-HAH!
YM and YT. You’re both wrong!
MAX AND TINA. AH-…wait, what?
YM. You people don’t know a thing.
MAX. Excuse me?
YT. All you do is complain about the past, and about each others faults-
YM. You don’t even recognize what you guys did wrong!
YT. Relationships work on compromise!
YM. Not saying someone hates freedom-
YT. Or accusing someone of dating Vin Diesal.
YM. It was Chuck Norris-
YT. Same thing- what were trying to say is-
TINA. Oh butt out!
YM. Don’t tell her to butt out!
MAX. What do you know?!
YT. Hey!
TINA. The fact still remains-
MAX. We don’t work!
MAX AND TINA. Because of them!
(MAX and TINA point at each other.)
YM. Why not focus on the good parts of your relationship instead of the bad damn it!
YT. Seriously! Then you’d stay together!
MAX. Doesn’t matter, we don’t have a future!
TINA. Things end up crappy because of him!
MAX. More like her!
YM. Really?
YT. You think you have no future?
MAX. Of course!
YM. Well we disagree!
TINA. Well Mr. Physical Manifestation, since you have the ability to act out any part of our relationship, act out our future and see how screwed up it is!
YM.(Smiling) That’s not such a bad idea.
YT. Almost like a Deus ex Machina…
MAX AND TINA. Relationship Scenes suck!
YM. *Sigh* Alright God damn it, we’ll do it!
YT. Let’s go!
(Lights go down on YT and YM’s part of the stage.)
MAX. Oh, this ought to be interesting.
TINA. Hilarious maybe.
MAX. Oh I can’t wait.
(The lights go back up on the stage, and YT is sitting in a chair… waiting…)
TINA.(sarcasm) Oh this is a perfect example of why we should stick together, I end up alone in a house sitting in a chair dressed in black.
MAX. You’re dressed in black because it’s Black boxed, idiot.
TINA. Oh yeah-(realizing) Shut up!
(Small pause)
MAX. Is this it? Just sitting around doing nothing? Alone?
(We hear a knock)
TINA. Somebody knocked apparently.
(Enter YM with a grocery bag.)
YT. Where were you?
TINA. Probably out looking at women’s chests-
MAX. By the way nice-
TINA. Stop looking at my shirt!
YM. Sorry, I ran a bit late…
TINA. A likely story…
YM. Long line back at the grocery store.
(YM takes out a carton of milk.)
YT. Well, he’s already asleep.
MAX. Who?
(We hear a baby crying, and YT and YM walk over to a crib, and YT picks up a small baby… MAX and TINA sort of stare at the scene in awe… and they sort of feel somewhat shy and embarrassed.)
YT. Shhh… it’s okay.
YM. Did he say anything today?
YT. Nope. I’m just afraid he’ll pick up the chest stare habit some of us in this room have.
YM. I gave up the chest along time ago… now I work on the eyes.
YT. Of how many girls you work with?
YM. Just you… don’t worry. I’m too ugly to have a shot with anyone else.
(YT chuckles a bit.)
YT. You know, in a few years, he’ll grow older… and then it’ll be harder on us and… maybe we won’t be like this anymore. Maybe we’ll be fighting over this and that and-
TINA. (disappointed) I knew that was a little too good to be-
YM. We wont.
TINA. What?
YT. Huh?
YM. We won’t.
YT. You say that now, but, how do you know?
YM.(Smiles) I trust you.
(YM, and YT hug with the baby in YT’s arms… and YM and YT kneel their heads against each other.)
YT. I trust you too Max… I do.
(Lights go down on YT and YM. TINA and MAX sort of stand, looking awed at what just took place before them. An actual good future. MAX and TINA just awkwardly look at each other… off and on… while they sort of think about what they just saw… and look around. It’s that sort of tense awkward thing, where you can’t talk to one another.)
MAX. That uh… That really is a nice shirt… Not the chest, well, your chest is… Nice shirt!
TINA. Thanks… I uh… got it on sale…
MAX. It looks nice… you look nice I mean…
(MAX and TINA look at each other and MAX walks forward a bit… and they both drift towards each other… and then both walk apart.)
TINA. No, Max…
MAX. Look what if we…
TINA. Well…
MAX. …we can’t…
TINA. But that was good… that actually worked… maybe we…
MAX. Maybe…
(MAX and TINA move towards each other… but step back away.)
MAX. We can’t…
TINA. No!...
MAX. But…
TINA. We…
MAX AND TINA. Relationship scenes Suck!
(Lights back up on YM and YT.)
YM AND YT. But relationships don’t.
(MAX and TINA Turn towards each other. And hug each other.)
MAX. I’m Max.
TINA. Tina.
MAX. I’ll skip the monologue.
TINA. Just stay with me.
(YT and YM start clapping and the lights go off, with the spotlight on MAX and TINA for a few moments.)
(BLACKOUT.)
